“Every time I see you, I want to tell one of those bad gynecologist jokes,” I said to my sex therapist friend Hannah at our weekly luncheon.
Hannah rolled her eyes as she took another bite of her salad. Her practice seemed to be the never-ending butt of jokes among our friends, but she'd learned to take the digs with good humor.
“Well you know I'm a far cry from a gynecologist, but I could use a little laugh today, so if you really need to get it out of your system, lay it on me.”
“Ok, so this old lady goes to see her dentist,” I started. “When her appointment is called, she sits in the chair, lowers her underpants, and raises her legs...”
“Uh huh,” Hannah murmured, lifting a glass of soda water to her lips to signal her disinterest.
“So the dentist says,” I continued, ‘Excuse me, but I'm not a gynecologist.’”
I paused long enough for Hannah to begin swallowing her water. “‘I know,’ said the old lady. ‘I want you to take my husband's teeth out.’”
Hannah lurched forward, spewing her soda water all over her salad as she raised her hand to her mouth, coughing loudly.
“Are you okay?” I said, glancing at the surrounding restaurant patrons alarmed by the sudden commotion at our table.
“Y–yeah,” Hannah gagged. “The water just went down the wrong way. I wasn't expecting that punchline.”
“Pretty good, right?” I smiled.
“Better than most, I'll grant you,” she nodded. “But I don't know why you guys always make fun of my practice. Someone has to help all the sexually dysfunctional people out there.”
“I know,” I said, frowning sheepishly. “It's just hard to imagine what goes on in your office when people talk candidly about their sex lives.”
“You'd be surprised,” Hannah said, taking another swig of water to clear her throat. “In fact, I was thinking of inviting you to one of my sessions sometime.”
I pinched my eyebrows and shook my head, surprised at her offer.
“As a patient or as an observer?”
“You don't need any help with your sex life,” she said. “You're already miles ahead of me with all your wild escapades and adventures. I'd like to present you as more of a role model for what a healthy, sexually uninhibited person looks like.”
“What would you have me do exactly? Don't you have to protect patient-doctor privilege? I thought you guys had to keep everything at arms-length, so to speak.”
“I've been experimenting with some different strategies lately,” Hannah smiled. “Let's just say I've been trying out some more active therapeutic techniques.”
“No way!” I said, widening my eyes as I rested my cocktail on the table so as not to spill it. “Isn't that against the rules? I thought you had to maintain a certain degree of professional distance or risk losing your license.”
“I still do. The only difference is now I encourage them to practice some of the prescribed self-empowerment techniques in my office instead of at home, so I can coach and guide them more actively. Besides, everybody signs a waiver before we take it to the next level.”
“Holy shit!” I said, shaking my glass incredulously. “While you watch them touch themselves intimately?”
“Sometimes,” Hannah nodded. “But most patients prefer to be concealed behind a protective screen when they first start the process.”
“So you basically guide them through a facilitated masturbation session?"
“In a manner of speaking, yes. I find most patients need a little more active engagement to get them over the hump becoming comfortable enjoying sex with another person. You'd be surprised how many sexually dysfunctional women there are out there.”
“So most of your patients are women?”
"Yes–I find them much more interesting to work with.”
“Oh my God,” I panted, beginning to feel my panties moisten under my tight jeans. “I'd love to be a fly on the wall in one of these sessions. How do you manage to stay focused when things start to heat up? Don't you get aroused while these women pleasure themselves?”
Hannah shifted uncomfortably in her chair, signaling for the waiter to bring her another cocktail.
“I do. At first, I just kind of squirmed in my chair and squeezed my legs together in frustration. But I've discovered a more animated way to keep myself stimulated while I watch my patients enjoying themselves.”
My eyes flew open as the fluid in my cocktail glass began to tremble.
“You stick a vibrator down your pants?!” I said. “Isn't that kind of noisy? How do you hide that from your patients?”
“It's not just any vibrator,” Hannah said with a crooked grin. “Our friend Cheryl from the local Babeland store introduced me to a new kind of toy. It's designed by a woman to mimic the touch and movement of real fingers and lips. It doesn't buzz so much as hum as it undulates both inside and on the outside of your vulva.”
“Jesus!” I squealed, furrowing my brow in frustration. “Just when I thought I had the full collection of the latest toys. What does this thing look like?”
Hannah opened up her purse and passed me a large finger-shaped device attached to a hollow cone at the base.
“I just happen to carry one with me wherever I go,” she said. “See for yourself.”
I peered at the strange-looking object, stroking the soft silicone surface gently.
“It sure doesn't look like anything I've seen before. How does it work if it doesn't vibrate?”
“The long finger-shaped appendage goes inside you and bends in a series of come-hither motions against your G-spot. Give it a try by tapping the control button on the base one time.”
I pressed the button and the finger began waving toward me like some kind of animatronic alien finger.
“What the fuck?” I said. “That's insane! It moves just like a real finger. And it hardly makes a sound.”
“That the best part. You can use it anywhere. Even in a crowded restaurant. You should give it a try. Pretend that you're reclining on a couch in my office.”
I glanced around the table to make sure no one else had seen the strange device that I was fondling at the table.
“It's tempting,” I said, peering into the orifice at the top of the cone. “But what's with this little hole near the bottom of the device? What goes on there?”
“See for yourself,” Hannah smiled. “Tap the button a second time. You might be in for a bit of a surprise.”
I tapped the button again and a long, tongue-shaped object pushed up out of the hole and began undulating like a hypnotic snake against my palm.
My eyes grew wide as saucers as Hannah nodded at me with a huge smirk.
“Like I said,” she grinned. “It's not a vibrator so much as a replicator. Doesn't it remind you of a real finger and tongue?”
“In a weird, perverted, ET kind of way–yeah.”
Hannah lowered her gaze and nodded toward my midsection.
“You've got to feel it down there to really appreciate it. Go ahead–give it a try. No one needs to know besides us girls.”
“Seriously?” I said. “Right here?!”
